oh,

death.

I saw the cracks in his armor last night as you shook through his illusions of invincibility. Such a pathetic thing to witness, when no word is full enough to fill the vibrating holes you created.

Sweet tea flavored vodka was his poison of choice. A southern gentleman even while drowning his miseries. He laid his head on my stomach. “Let me tell you something.” He whispered and strung out these words like the lights I love at Christmas. And I waited. I felt the weight of his skull against the bottoms of my rib bones. I wished that I didn’t understand the carnal need to feel when death has emptied you. But I did. His pause had gone too long. His red rimmed eyes turned inside himself. 

I should have said things. Big words that would fit uncomfortably inside of his chest. Should have painted him the picture I now knew of a death. That like a stumbling deer. “You’ll just be unsteady for a while. Until you learn how to balance the new holes and the new heaviness.” I should have said lots of things. Could have said lots of things. 

“Alcohol goes down easier when you’re already drunk.” And he smirked to himself. Pleased at bestowing the tip that he felt would aid me in the rest of my life. 

I brushed my fingers on his forehead and my heart ached then, as I watched him wobble. Unused to balancing his heaviness.

oh,

death.

Tonight,

I crave only warmth to fill the gaps in between my soul and fingertips. Rubbery flesh against rocky bone to lay my head upon and a dull rhythmic drumming to lull my quivering soul to sleep. In the morning, after my heart has gathered courage from the steady pounding it had forgotten itself capable of, I will leave you. Cold and breathless, to continue my superhuman facade. Of steady heartbeats and warm fingertips. Of a body who beats with independence.

he whispers,

hardly a word 

to ears waiting

only for his.

the girls they say

he’ll regret

but

I regret

opening a heart, that should have stayed closed.

He asked to kiss me.
Boys should never ask. I just stuttered like a fool until he decided today was not the day. Oh goodness. This had not even entered my atmosphere.

so--gr0ss-deactivated20130304 asked: EMILY I MISS YOU SO MUCH WHATS GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE. i need updates!!

Haha, I should be saying that to you! You have a baby!! :) How is he? And I’m sorry I went MIA, I miss you too. :)

Short version is that Zach and I are over for good. Ended the beginning of February. I recently met a guy that’s amazing. I didn’t think he liked me at first but we were friends. He asked me on a date and it was literally perfect. Too many amazing details for one message! :) And we’re going out again tonight!!

John Mayer and stardust and sweatshirts I can keep. Pepperoni pizza because he’s boring too. Rooftops with city views and hearts that still wish for the country.
Tonight was a pretty amazing first date.

Good Lord first dates.
I need more Baja blast for this.

littlebirdsings:

I could lock you up
inside my heart.
I think you’d fit there
the way you don’t seem to
fit into the world that tries
to cradle you
to claim you.
Crawl into my bed,
and I will
find a way to love you